My nightmares thunder around me
Shaking the ground on which I stand
I fall to my knees and cry out
Crawling scorn on this sacred land

Bare knees, ground to the bone
look up and the road never ends
Tar tearing at my tired skin
pain, longing for a life that mends

my mind tells to head east
my body tells to head south
I'm finished I want no more
I fail to speak for my dry mouth

try to cry out
nothing is heard
I wake up screaming
this is absurd

How I wish I could cry
Open the bottle and let it out
How I wish someone would hear
This pain and self doubt

These are for an old friend.

When ever you need a friend,
someone to understand,
you'll find me right behind you,
waiting to lend a hand.

---

Tell me your secrets.

I want to climb inside your head
and sleep among the dead
to find I sleep alone
cold to the bone

you're hiding in the shadows
afraid to speak your mind
tell me your secrets
that in yourself you find

free yourself from misery
come let me understand
free yourself from slavery
let us free this barren land

don't hide your hearts desires
your pain and suffering
share them with your friend
who's heart is opening

come rest in my arms
comfort you will find
filling you with peace
breaking the secrets that bind

Ok. So due to my work load I haven't been able to think about my novel much, however, I've been writing a lot of technical documentation for the company.

I've decided to rally the words from those documents and use them instead of a NaNo Novel. So far I've reached over 5500 words with my document on website design theory and suggestions for the company website.

Next is a Support documentation on most frequent product problems and their solutions as well as detailing the troubleshooting process.
Other updates as they come in!

Its nano time again. Some ideas for stories that i've been thinking about?

Bounty Hunters
The first and most likely is as follows. Building on my story from last year, our bounty hunter brother pair get a new lead to the ongoing bounty they're both seeking out. On their quest they encounter a space station that is in criticle condition. Being of the moral nature they just have to help out.
Back home the rest of their tournament clan discover new secrets abut the bounty hunter brothers as well as their ongoing quest for the most difficult bounty they've ever had to track down.

Untitled story of Space Mice Pirates
Our pirate mice fly around in a ship shaped like a hamster wheel. Their ongoing mission, to get cheese. Not for themselves but for the poorer outlying mouse communities.
There are at least 5 mice on the ship, they walk on their hind legs, speak to each other, dress up like 1800th century pirates. They are pretty much chaotic good. Think of Firefly/Serenity but with mice.

Fantasy: The Desert Mage
This is an old story. Some parts can be found further back in this blog. Basically a Mage finds a baby who has the ability to become a great Mage. This Mage decides to take the baby into his care, train him, teach him, and turn him into a decent mage. Desert Mages are not entirely human, in fact they are almost Elf Like.
They're like battle mages who are adept in both the magic arts and martial arts.
The ongoing story, to seek out the evil Mages, who live in the depths of the earth, and kill them. They evil mages are known for disturbing entire comunities, killing, taking at will, and destroying all life in their paths. Most of the Desert used to be lush forest and grassland but was turned to desert by the evil mages.

More ideas to come later.

i hate my life, this putrid filth, this vile taste welling up from within my heart.
I hate this feeling, deep in my heart how quick it can turn from light to dark!
a cloud decends blinding my hope, covering my eyes causing me to choke
my skin crawls with the filth that i am, how can i be all that i am
even anger finds its way in, and sorrow and hate, fill me right to the brim
i wish i could die just to escape from the pain, this feeling inside this feeling so mundane.
how can life be so unfair, why are we placed here and not there!

Our lives crossed we did not have to follow, this path we did choose, i can barely swollow. I will never give up, nomatter how bad i feel, you will always have me here and for real! I'm sorry again for the discomfort i bring, I just hope oneday, i can show you how much i love you, and how much of a difference you have made in my life! what we are may never change but who we are changes all the time! you are my change, and its a change i like. always be around, never let me go and let me show you how much i can love you!

right now i dont feel so grand, i feel like the last member in a stupid rock band! I cant sleep, i barely close my eyes, and my heart dwells on all the small fries! I wish to be clean unchaffed and new, I wish to be always, and forever with you!

tonight i pray, to my drearest of friends, for i need his guidence and wisdom and strenght! tonight i will pray for my one only love, i will pray you are kept safe warm and all the above!
I leave now with only my thoughts, at this late hour, all my rantins retort, an inner battle i continue to fight, i wish i knew if there was wrong or right!
it leaves me confused what shall i do? the only thing thats right is being with you!

I have worn out my mind my thoughts tremble in fear, what will come next from my heart my dear. I shall wollow in thoughts of why i am sad and wonder why i feel so bad. I wish you were with me, though i hope you sleep well, for i want the best for you, you can tell.

good night.

holds me in your eyes, we are just many lives, swirling in endless bliss, to the ends of time, and this crime, and all we have done
and did and gone to do and thought and think and will think the ideas of our minds and the minds of the people we teach and have taught
and what more can we do than try and try and be tried and fail and rise and grow strong, filling our weekness with the fillment of the
strength of others that is why we exsist, to be a hope to others, to fill the spaces ...

the gaps, the weeknewss we see and believe and we can do something about it and so we teach and go on leading the followers and
follwoing the leaders and when in the end we reach and bealieve and just come and belong we will be whole and untouched and white and pure
without fault and that is when we will learn to love and be loved and this is called the end and for us it will be the beginning and it
will be beautiful beyond all words and understanding .. this is surly heaven ...

just the random splatterings of a tongue possed by the heart, and thought and the mixture of life and the soul and all that comes
out is that which was within and desires the air and freedom and such is lives and all humans do, seeking what it does not know but will
know when it finds it, and so it goes on and on comming out and filling the world with words and song and poems and stories and lives in
each and every person like a poet like a bird like the song from the sweetest hard and..

it lives in the beauty of flowers and the beauty in the ray of a single sun beam warming and living on the skin of every man and
woman that would dare venture into the warmth that this word provides and yet you liste, you could not hear, but absorb and become apart
of the ever growing song, and the song has lived and will always live and so becomming apart of it makes you imortal and forever a part of
something much greater than ourselves

u have stared for quite a while on occasions
[Dream] but what is hope but the ability to see the light in the darkness, for the light is not dying but growing ever ready to take the
challange and become the hope we all seek and desire, for as the light rises it brings a new hope, chasing from the land fear, and
dispaire, and replacing it with life, and love and hope and warmth and we shall praise the son for its warmth and ever giving light, and
it will be the center of our kingdom, our lives, and everything we do we will always remember...the light

i think of fading light, and think, but why, why must the light fade? and remember that it is us that create the light, it spurs
from deep within every one of us, and every time someone turns there back on the light, to fear and depression , so the light fades, but
the more of us that take up arms, face the fear, deny the depression, the stronger the light becomes, shining from the depths of every
heart and as we stand together, we become the light, the truth, we become hope itself

this life is unfair
i'll wither and die
and dont even bother
to come say goodbye

burning acid in my chest
a vile poison does its best
it eats and burns at my very heart
it tears and rips and pulls me apart

how do i trust the words that you say
how do i live each and every day?

the words that you say
and oh do they smother
for the words you promise
you've said to another

I'v givent so much
to this life that mocks
everything i touch
worthless ugly rocks

when will my time come
when will i succeed?
what i need is a light
i need someone to lead

a pillar so strong
is all i can be
and the very best i promise
thats the very best of me

let us find hope
in this failing light
let us being
what we know is right

if the darkness
should us overcome
then we'll create our own light
i swear, i will NOT BE UNDONE!

---

i look to the west
to the setting sun
slow it fades
another day is done

look to the east
a new sun is born
filling the colours
with its new dawn

this is what
you mean to me
this is what
i wish you to see

show you how
and show you why
with every single
tear i would cry

you give me life
my love is free
my heart is yours
and will forever be

thankyou so dearly
for every breath
i will love you
till my death

stars shining
bright above
the moon smiles
and shows my love

bright it sparkles
down it shines
the night wistles
every sound it chimes

content in peace
and forever grow
forever we'll
and this you know

---

what do they see
when they look in my eyes
is it fear or greed
what do they dispise

these dark pits
this empty space inside
it so clrealy fits
my time to abide

this open space
this peace of mind
is this what is ment
by the times that bind?

crimsom blood drips slowly down
my life slips slowly into the ground
my battles are won, the war complete
and now in darkness on this empty street

I once was a soldier
i was ever so bold
the sheeth of my sword
i did tightly hold

my time has come
spare me this life
time has undone
it has ended my strife

let me in peace
rest my weary head
i have fought long
and now i am dead

---

i see you sinking slowly
into your lonelyness
i always get the feeling
that something is amiss

i always want to hold you
keep you safe and warm
wrap you in my loving arms
keep you safe from the storm

your soul seeks solitude
your mind wonders free
your heart seeks to be loved
you wish to be loved by me

you search yourself deep inside
wonder where you could belong
i dont know much but come and hide
in my arms you can do no wrong

always be happy in yourself
know that i love you
always know you have much wealth
love me, if nothingelse you do

look inside you and you will find
your own happyness
look for me in your heart
i'll do away with lonelyness

---

on this cold night
my heart takes flight
and in plain sight
it knows whats right

to you it flys
so hard it tries
in deepest sighs
it takes to the skys

when you feel
that warm embrace
know its me
showing you my grace

the warmth of touch
a loving kiss
with all my heart
i give you this

for it is in you
i find my life
and its cause of you
i know not strife

forever i live
in your warm heart
and my only prayer
is that we never part

---

First Poem
-----------------
here i am born so free
this is how i long to be
always dying soon to go
away with my life as i grow

in this pain i slowly die
soon my spirit will upward fly
to feel no pain anger or hate
this is everybodys eventual fate

black surrounds in darkest dispair
since when is this life ever fair?
we are born, and born to die
just the thought should make you cry

even in this hopelessness
in this dark depressivness
there is a light that shines for me
a light that only i can see

forever running to gain ground
this light i have eventually found
and forever i will strive
for only this hope, keeps me alive

---

torn up inside
my bleeding i hide
the river runs thick
with my blood and sick

fading on the hard ground
green grass grows red
my heart is tightly bound
nothing can be said

one eye staying open
as the last hope fades
on my blood i'm chockin'
grim has done his raids

rattling in my chest
my last breath, sighs
i have done my best
my body slowly dies

my eye slides shut
my heart beat slows
free from this rut
away my spirit blows

---

i rip myself apart
i tear at my flesh
pull out my aching heart
the pain starts afresh

seconds feel like days
in this imortal realm
everythings a haze
this life does overwhelm

swirlling dark clouds
close in my shallow breath
wrapped tightly in my shrouds
i lay and wait for death

the light apon my face
hope does slowly grow
i see eternal grace
from your face does flow

from my deathly sleep
slowly i do rise
from my death i creep
to a life lost in your eyes

---

softly a sent drifts
on an evening breaze
how my spirit lifts
free'd by a sudden sneeze

flowing like a brook
simple gentle stream
my breath away it took
in my simple dream

all around is bliss
happy beyond compare
never could i leave this
only because you are there

---

void of trust
void of form
tho i must
i am torn

deep inside
an empty well
i have tried
down i fell

up i rise
to my feet
i dispise
the elite

i am human
i feel pain
i am fumin'
blood does rain

so i rest
tho i try
i did my best
my dream did fly

---

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason.
  - John Cage

I have been accused of not having hobbies or interests. My ex girlfriend challenged our compatibility based on the fact that we did not have the same interests or hobbies. I've been told by a few people to get hobbies. Sometimes they say "get a life, get a hobby". That horrible question "what do you do for fun?" ....
I've been thinking about all this for some time now. Why do I not have such hobbies and why do I seem to be lacking in interests?
Primary reasons? Time and Money. It sounds like a terrible excuse but having a look at the past few years I've had less time and money than ever. If I look at the hobbies I used to have and why I've given them up, its mostly because I couldn't afford them anymore. Things like fishing and cricket cost money for equipment and take up a lot of time. But what about my computer related hobbies like gaming?
I've found that while I worked at my previous job I was under so much stress from end user clients I would come home and just not want to do anything. Was this due to depression? I doubt it. I think it was just normal everyday stress. I would unwind by sitting on the internet and talking to people. It felt good to do so, it helped me unwind.
I didn't feel like gaming or programming or updating blogs or taking photos and posting them to one of my art blog sites. I just didn't feel like doing anything except closing my eyes and letting the rest of the evening pass.
Thinking about all this, I've wondered what my interests are. What could I look at that I would find interesting and turn into a hobby? I might try fishing again but that takes up too much time and equipment costs a lot of money. I've thought about joining a cricket club but again, thats both time and huge amounts of money.
Computer related, I'm looking at games again. I've always been interested in computer games but never been able to afford a computer that could play them. Instead I have to read reviews and look at action play videos. One day I hope to get a decent computer and get back into gaming full time.
Other than that I have my movies and series which I collect. I'm into anime and appreciate good anime and seek it out wherever I can get it. I do the same with manga and have a decent collection of both. Is that a sorta interest or hobby?
I've also always been interested in Magic, the card game. I've been to tournaments and attempted to laern it but I've never bought my own deck of cards and actually played it. Now I don't have the money to buy cards. A friend of mine is giving me his cards so perhaps I can get into that, learn it and play it. The interest is certainty there. At these tournaments I've seen people playing warhammer. Now THAT looks like something I could get into. I'd sit and watch them play, not knowing whats going on, but it looks awesome. I did have a look at what it'd require to get into it and there is so much time and money that you have to invest in it that its almost daunting. I'd really like to be able to try though.
So it would seem I do have interests. I have a few interests besides the ones above. I'm just not practicing them. I'm very interested in them and read about them and research them when ever I can but that's the problem. I don't have time to spend hours and hours doing such things.
What should I do? Get my life on track. I'm investing all my time and money into getting my life in order. I'm buying into a small business. I'm looking at getting my own place. When my life is more stable and I have a larger and more regular income I might actually invest time and money into those interests.
For now they will remain unpracticed interests. My only regret is not getting into these things when I did have time and money. But I must not dwell on the past. I must look to the future and create time and money for myself to have a full life.

Nothing much has changed. I'm just understanding this condition better and understanding the purpose of medication and self meditation. Its been an up and down week. I'm feeling more and more positive.
I recently got a job offer but I'd have to move back to Johannesburg for it. Its a very decent job offer but it has an uncomfortable feel about it.
My mom desperately wants me to move back home. I think I'm her favorite. She's trying to get all the other kids to move out and trying to get me to move back.
I might pass this opportunity up for one that has a better life style attached. When I first came back to Cape Town I didn't want to. I wanted to stay in joburg. It was comfortable there. It was less lonely.
Now I'm feeling Cape Town again. I like the life style. I like the few people I've come to know. I want to stay. This will take more thought and meditation though.

I was up really late last night. I got to sleep just after 6am and woke up at 9am. I'm feeling ok, Coffee helps. I've been really good at remembering to take my medication. So far I think its helping. I'm feeling like the older me. Yesterday I was spouting my poetry to myself. I was rambling it off for ages. It was cool.
I've also recently started doing a thing called "randomisims" again. I thought I'd run out of them but apparently not. A randomisim is a short 4 line rhyming poem that I just type without thinking about it. Something like ...

in the depths of my endless mind,
I find it difficult to find,
inspiration just a part,
of what used to be my heart

deep in my soul,
I feel no pain,
so bring back my heart,
and let my lessons start

why do I keep falling,
why is there no light,
how do I walk a path,
when my eyes have no sight

gouge out my eyes,
so that i might not see,
this terrible atrocity,
that has befallen me

Very emo, but it doesn't really reflect how I'm feeling. I just show off my ability to do a short randomisim off the top of my head.
Now I'm going to back up my stuff and then reinstall my laptop with a real operating system and then do stuff that I don't know what I'm going to do.